Lemonade Anyone?

(Article for Attitude Digest Magazine)

If you had told me at 16 that my fantasy of being married and having a family in my twenties would be plagued by divorce and abandonment, I probably would have laughed at you. Then I would have proceeded to tell you that I do “abstinence education,” as if that would put some sort of guarantee on my future relationships. Isn’t it funny how even when we make “all the right decisions” in life, it still gives us lemons at times? I know plenty of people that recount different seasons in life and go “but wait, I thought that if I did this, I would get that?” Well at 24, nearing 25, I can tell you that life is not fair…Whoops, I feel like I just told someone there is no Santa Claus, but it’s true!

When I turned 20, I met “Mr. Wonderful!” He knew all the right things to say and before I knew it we were engaged and planning a wedding. Everything seemed right, I was a singer, he was a guitar player and producer-We would make “perfect harmony” together, right? WRONG! Six months after we married in July of 2006, we moved from Franklin, TN to Tampa, FL-where my family lived. At the time, it was difficult for my husband to get a good job and he was enthusiastic about the idea of being closer to family. Little did I know that this move would be the launch of his “alternative lifestyle.”

Shortly after moving to Tampa, I noticed that our relationship had shifted, but assumed that it was the result of a new environment and I was probably just being an “overanalyzing female.” I would later find out on July 8, 2008, 3 days after he left with no good reason, that he was pursuing a “homosexual lifestyle” behind my back. This had been going on since we moved to Tampa.

I seem to always get the question or assumption- Do you hate “gay people?” NO, not at all, I love people! Does a woman ignore all women if her husband has an affair one? NO! Or second question is-“You must be so mad, are you?” I normally respond: “Did it make me mad, of course, but am I living in a state anger and sadness-NO!” See “things” are going to happen to us whether we like it or not-for you it may not be divorce it may be the loss of a child, the loss of a job, or the loss of your identity for that matter! At the end of the day, it is up to you and I whether or not we allow these situations to “define” us. As much as I would love to erase the ever-present “D card” that I get to carry for life-it isn’t going anywhere! However, divorce is something that has happened to me, shaped me-But it does not make me, and it surely will not break me!

So take a second, make yourself some LEMONADE and ponder, “is there anything in my life that I am allowing to define me?” “Did I allow an incident or season to have power over me?” Everything that happens in life has an opportunity to affect our perspective or to diminish our attitude. It is up to us, to find the positive components and use them to not only better ourselves, but to help others as well.

OK so me first- LEMON: My ex husband is a “gay porn star,” (I’m serious) what now? SUGAR: Well after seeking out support groups and a great therapist, I realize that I get a second chance. WATER: I was freed of “dead weight,” that would have only held me back. Now I appreciate the little things in life more than ever. STIRRING MIX: I am reminded that there are no guarantees in life, so I try to live everyday to the fullest! Ok, your turn now, go long, I am tossing you your lemon that I found in your desk!

Loving Lemonade,

Rendered Heart

To Write Love on Her Arms

From the "To Write Love on Her Arms" Website: (www.twloha.com)

-121 million people worldwide suffer from depression. (The World Health Organization)

While not always the case, often untreated depression and other struggles lead to unhealthy ways in which we try and deal with the hurt and pain we are feeling. We try and find anything that we can do to take away the hurt, painful feelings, or negative thoughts we are experiencing. Often the things that we turn to seem to help at first, appearing to provide some of the relief that we need so badly. But, even though they may seem like they help, often they are unhealthy themselves, eventually becoming even greater struggles like addictions such as drugs, alcohol, eating disorders, or self-injury.

Untreated depression is the number one cause of suicide, and suicide is the third leading cause of death among teenagers. (NIMH)

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I had the opportunity to parter in events with "TWLOHA," and I did not realize how serious the issue of depression and "self injury" really was/is, until they told me! Please take a moment to go to their website and get more facts and discussions on this topic...Because according to the stats it is pretty likely that you or someone you know faces this!

I was on my way home from GA a few months ago when I wrote the poem below-I feel like it is something that Jesus would say to someone who is hurting, furthermore hurting themselves.....

With each cut pain released
Each drop of blood gave anger peace
Without the world peering in
Life gave way to sorrow's end

As I approached her, I caught her tears
I put them in a jar alongside her fears
I took my blood and covered her wounds
And sealed her scars throughout the room
I took the razor and showed her my hands
And promised "healing" was in my plans

Always sure this day would come
So thankful now it was the one
To show her "life" without harm
And to WRITE MY LOVE ON HER ARMS

If you or someone you know is hurting themselves or dealing with depression, please get help! You life is too precious to risk!

Embraced by Grace,

Rendered Heart

"Hollie" (in Korea)

On my trip to Korea, I had the opportunity to meet a 7th grader named “Hollie.” I try really hard not to give more attention to one child over another, but she made it pretty hard for me not to. Hollie introduced herself to me the first day with a big grin and a contagious glow. I knew immediately that she would be unforgettable. She made a point to talk to me almost every day, sometimes we exchanged a few lines after session and other times we had long discussions over lunch.

Each day the students were allowed to sign up for a time called “round table,” which meant that 8 of them (per day) could eat lunch with one of the speakers/singers at least one time throughout the week. At one point I overheard the Middle School principal say that it was important to give everyone an opprotunirty, so each student should only sign up once. Somehow Hollie managed to make herself a place at my table almost everyday, she was a sneaky little thang. I learned that she loved to run and was quite good at it. I also discovered that she was part Korean and part American but spoke “Thai!” I teased her that she needed a tee shirt that said that on it!

One day when I was leaving lunch, Hollie came up to me and said “Christina, I really like your song “Closer to Home.” I said “thanks Hollie,” she proceeded to tell me that the reason the song was so special to her was because she had never really had a place to call home and she was thankful to know that every day she was one step closer to the home that God had prepared for her. I never knew a child could have such wisdom and insight to the lyrics of a song. Most students her age like my music because they can clap their hands to it or jump around.

I think that Hollie has a special message for all of us, even those of us who have stayed in a place for an extended length of time and consider that place “home.” Her words may resonate with you differently, but for me I felt like she was saying that she was never able to get “too comfortable” anywhere. Kind of a blessing if you think about it.

The school that I spoke at was an International School and it was stacked with students from many different places. Most of them had lived in at least three or more places and they were only in Middle School. Many of the people that I know have maybe lived one other place for college and then they moved back “home” after. A lot of times we move home because it is familiar, I don’t think that there is anything wrong with that-I did it. However there is a problem when you or I get too comfortable. It is so easy to get into a rhythm and forget who is conducting the music. Jeremiah 29:11 tells us that the Lord has plans and a future for us- I think that it would be pretty difficult to see that plan unravel if I just stay in my “comfort zone” all the time, where I am comfortable, don’t you?

I am thankful that Hollie reminds you and I that this is not our final resting place, and every day we are one step CLOSER TO HOME, so we better start livin like it!

What are some ways that you are reminded that this is not your final home?

Daily Manna

One of my favorite stories in the Bible, is the story of Moses and the Israelites in the desert. In Exodus 16:2-3, we read: 2 in the desert the whole community grumbled against Moses and Aaron. 3 The Israelites said to them, "If only we had died by the LORD's hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death." In the midst of the Israelites “grumbling,” the Lord hears them! He decides to provide for them but also gives them very specific instructions! (Exodus 16:16-21) 16 this is what the LORD has commanded: 'each one is to gather as much as he needs. Take an omer (about 2 quarts) for each person you have in your tent.' " 17 The Israelites did as they were told; some gathered much, some little. 18 And when they measured it by the omer, he who gathered much did not have too much, and he who gathered little did not have too little. Each one gathered as much as he needed. 19 Then Moses said to them, "No one is to keep any of it until morning." 20 However, some of them paid no attention to Moses; they kept part of it until morning, but it was full of maggots and began to smell. So Moses was angry with them. 21 Each morning everyone gathered as much as he needed, and when the sun grew hot, it melted away.”

“Manna” is described in the Bible as (Exodus 16:31) “… white like coriander seed and tasted like wafers made with honey.” However “Manna” means: “What is it?” I know that many of us are making “New Years Resolutions,” always in an effort to continually better ourselves- but “What is it,” that you need this year to FULFILL/truly better your life? Or maybe I should say: “Who is it,” that you need to FULFILL/truly better your life?

I believe that the reason God did not just flood the desert with manna was because He wanted the people to realize that we must DEPEND ON HIM DAILY! We are like the empty baskets, that the Israelites used to fill up with manna each morning; uniquely created, God is just waiting to fill us up!

God is not just a decorative fixture that we talk about on Christmas, or hang on the tree, but rather a daily dependency that all of us must have! Your time with God yesterday does not make up for your lack of time with Him today! Anyone who works out knows that it is a daily commitment! If you want results, daily you have to workout/eat right! In the midst of you making your “temple” better physically, consider how you will make it better spiritually.

So I would like to ask you this, “What does your spiritual workout/diet look like for 2010?” “Is it important for you to be fed by Him DAILY?”

I pray each of you will have a blessed 2010! Prepare your hearts as God begins to reveal the next chapter of your novel called-Life!

-Rendered Heart

Surrender

Why is it so difficult to surrender? There is a song by “Barlow girl,” that I think describes a recent season in my life:

“Surrender"

My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I've shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now you're asking me to show
What I'm holding oh so tightly
Can't open my hands can't let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can't you let me go?

Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't you see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me

You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one
That's committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?

Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't you see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me


Here recently, I really feel like God is calling me to more “full time” ministry opportunities- I have wrestled with this for the longest time but I realize that I have been HOLDING on to my security, a guaranteed paycheck, less faith, the list goes on. That is not to say that a "guaranteed paycheck" is a bad thing, in fact most of my friends have them, however I know that God has called me to something different. My calling is no more important than any other working piece of the body of Christ, just unique-the way that it should be. What I failed to realize until recently, was that why I was busy “clutching tightly” to those things, my hands and my heart were CLOSED off to what God wanted for my life, instead of open and ready to receive what He had/has for me!

A few weeks ago, I let go; I have to be honest-I was/am scared to death…However I know that there is freedom in letting go and letting God… I pray that my hands and heart will no longer hold on to what I want, but rather be open and ready for what God sees fit! Ever since that day, God has sent daily confirmations that this is what He wants. I know that it will not be easy, however I would rather be in His will rather than in His way!

Just remember that God took time to knit you together in your mother’s womb, and He has a special plan for your life. He even artistically designed your hands and your heart to fit you and only you-just like your calling. I encourage you, unclench your fists and get ready for God to shape new dreams within you!

Psalm 139:13-14 (New International Version)
13 For you created my inmost being; 
you knit me together in my mother's womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, 
I know that full well.

What are you holding on to?

Surrendering with His help,

Rendered Heart

"Dearly Loved"

A few nights ago, I had the opportunity to hang out with my room mates cousins...They are so cute, three girls-all under 10! The middle child is 4 going on 24 and cute as can be. Every time that I see her, she tries to act like she does not like me...So we end up playing this "cat and mouse" game back and forth-honestly quite comical! On this particular night, I begged her (with a huge smile on my face) to "show me some love," so when she resisted-I gave her a big kiss. Without skipping a beat, she looked at me with a sly grin and said "I am gonna wipe your love off!" I joked back and said "oh no, don't do that!" But in an effort to "wipe my love off" she began "dusting off." Ironically after all of the laughter and tickling, she ended up giving me a kiss and we went on to something else.

Later that night, while I was by myself, I could not help but think, "how many times have I tried to wipe Christ's love off of me." It might not have been in a literal sense, but let's face it-There have been times when I have discredited his sacrifice and thought in the midst of chaos, "well I need to fix this!" When really at the end of the day I cannot fix a thing without him! Denying his presence in a matter is like denying his LOVE for me. And as stupid and idiotic as my decision making can be at times, I can never wipe off the love of Christ, and neither can you! So I guess we better stop trying!

Allow yourself to be embraced by his LOVE!

Romans 8:38-39

38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the LOVE of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Dearly loved,

Rendered Heart

Never alone in a storm!

I think that personal testimonies are one of my favorite things to hear. No story ever sounds the same, nor does any life ever look the same. This journey we call "life" is filled with one adventure after another, we just have to hold on tight. There are days when my life feels like a fading photograph and other days that feel like I am in a contest to see how many times I can ride the roller coaster at the theme park-before I cry "mercy." I sit awestruck by the wonder of the Lord and all that He does day to day in all of our lives...

One exciting place to hear someone's story is in the bible..It always amazes me that there are hidden messages everywhere...For instance, let's take the story from Matthew 14:22-33, known as the story of Jesus walking on the water. What seems like a simple story, actually has some really neat teachings intertwined within it. Please read below:

Matthew 14:22-33

22Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. 23After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, 24but the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.
25During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.

27But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."

28"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."

29"Come," he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.30But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"

31Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

32And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God."

Do you see that the passage tells us that Peter was scared, that he had doubt? The writer did not come right out and say it, but Peter questioned Jesus: "Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water." See that "if it is you?" I almost laugh to myself-sadly because I can think of plenty of times when I knew that Jesus was trying to get my attention in the midst of a storm, but instead of just doing what I knew I was supposed to do, I would "test" him with other useless questioning.

Then it goes on to say that: "when he SAW the wind, he was afraid, and as he began to sink, Peter cried out, "Lord, save me!" Implying that he took his eyes off Jesus! Instead of focusing on the Lord, he became distracted by the clamor around him...Then it says that: "IMMEDIATELY Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?" Why do we doubt the Lord? He has the whole world in His hands, yet we think that our problems and issues are so big that we should handle them ourselves-our own way. But thankfully it says that after Peter cried out to the Lord-"SAVE ME," Jesus IMMEDIATELY reached out His hand and caught him. Even when we begin to loose faith and question how in the world we are going to get through, all we have to do is ask the Lord for his hand, and he will give it IMMEDIATELY. After all, we are not expected to walk on water, but rather just to have faith in the one that can!

This story is uplifting to me personally, because I can easily loose focus and forget who I am walking towards in the midst of a storm. I am so thankful that even when I do fail, Jesus is still willing to reach out of the holies into my heart to help me!

You may personally be in the midst of the storm, remember where your "help" comes from, so that you do not begin to sink!

I encourage you, take any story in the bible and ask the Lord to expose ALL that He has for you in it. And when you do, please share it with me!



Watching and Waiting,

"Rendered Heart"